It’s Still Resurrection Sunday

Some churches say this is the Fourth Sunday of Easter. I don’t mind remembering Jesus another few weeks. Thanks Man! You really saved my life!

Sad Poet Saturday: Agape

I feel that God might love me. Though I feel that ultra slow. I have been hurt so much I blamed God. Now I feel I’m hard to love.

Maybe it’s that I’m not righteous or I’ve sinned so easily. I just wonder God do you love me? Or do You know me?

I have been waiting for a conversation. I just talk to the sky like you are there. Why am I so bad?

I feel defeated all the time, but I can freely worship when others don’t even have the chance.

Thank you God for making me free even though I take it for granted. I think you know how fragile I am and that is loving even if I don’t do enough to love you back.

Sad Poet Saturday: Eros

Like I said Tuesday, I need therapy about this love. I have never been number one. I have always been an option.

I’m the second choice cause I’m funny and “sweet”, but unrefined and plain faced. So I’m not a first thought girl.

I have a great personality, but I’m crazy, because I’ve been traumatized. Trauma is not sexy. Giving me trauma is.

Treat me however you feel. I will forgive you. Not anymore.

I just want to be held like I’m sacred. Like I am something to protect. I want to look into eyes that love mine and see into my soul and think “You’re weird. I love it.”

I have been used. No one feels for me. I have become so alone that the voices I hear are demons pretending to be men I loved. Yes, I loved. I loved people, but I was trapped in a wounded, rotting brain. Depression, Anxiety, and formerly felt up.

I am called a whore for that. Touch is my love language. I was in love. I was losing my mind from not being the only one. I was losing my mind so much I saw a different man instead of who I was with.

Do you know how terrifying that is? I loved men who used me. I could be wife material, but you would never know because you feel love for someone else and not me. Never use me again.

My heart will be held back until I know I am the only person you want. Your forever.

Back on My Weightloss Goals

I had a terrible time with an infection, but I’m back on my weightloss goals. I was pretty infected because everything was making me sick. Treated that and now I’m partially alive again.

Continue reading “Back on My Weightloss Goals”

Health Update: Skin and Shots

My skin has been pretty bad the past few years and nothing has worked. Turns out maybe I have been misdiagnosed so I will be getting that checked out too. I am about to get shot number two on Tuesday! YAY!

I see a specialist today about my sleep apnea. I have been having nightmares and seeing mythical looking cartoonish creatures around bed time. I can’t wait to maybe get things going with some sort of breathing apparatus now that I know for sure that GERD is the culprit. I will have a heated discussion today with backup because I can’t think straight. My brain only lasts a few hours.

Anyway, I hope you had a great Earth Day and that you will find something to be happy about today!

Edit later that day: I was told I’m fat and it’s causing GERD and sleep apnea. I’m going back on my tailored diet. I just need portion control. It worked the best. I will have to drop less because I lost 3 lbs, but hey all progress is progress.

Happy Earth Day Citizens of the Planet!

One of my favorite days, because there is usually a gardening thing to do. My plants died but I have this little seed kit to plant. I have not written at all, because I’ve been doing exercises for Borderline Personality Disorder that have made me very excited to not be in trouble for taking care of myself. That sounds silly, but I have literally had someone tell me I couldn’t do sensual stuff like take a soaking bath because it’s a sin.

I would love to never speak to that person again, but I am going to forgive them and not talk to them as much. I don’t have to associate with someone who guilts me for relaxing as a mortal sin. Honestly, I don’t know why I let this crazy stuff slide so much. It’s not Mom! lol

Anyway, I am going to enjoy the rest of this earth day and give myself a darn break. Have a good one!

Alkaline Vegan Diet with Supplements

I can’t eat acid anymore, so I’m going to have to eat alkaline vegan. I’m scared, but hopefully I will not get too low of a blood count taking supplements like I’m supposed to take. I have to give up acid producing food. It’s been a nightmare for sleep.

My allergy people have told me to eat alkaline. I think it might help a lot. I’m posting all my thoughts, but maybe it will save my life. It’s worth a shot.

Nixing Recipe Day

I can’t think straight, so I will have to nix recipe day. I was excited, but I can’t figure out how to eat. All the diets are wrong. I don’t know. I’m really sick.

I can’t think and I can’t recall things. I need help pretty bad. This Friday I have a pulmonology appointment. Hopefully I will be able to get this CPAP business behind me. Wish me luck and pray for me.