Sad Poet Saturday: Thalassemia Minor

One thing I’ve wanted to do my entire life was give blood.

Burgers before. Spinach before. No good.

I hit 30 and weakness sets in. What on Earth is this? I have never been vital. I have never been “peak”. But weakness now?

Diagnosis: Beta Thalassemia. My bones are empty. My blood is tiny. I can never give blood.

I guess that takes it off the bucket list…

May’s Theme: God and Us

I know that I haven’t really been the shining example of a Christian, but I thought I would ponder God in relationship to us this coming month. I have some ideas of what I think it should be like based on what the Bible says. I will also be covering the misconceptions about God. There are a lot of different wrong ideas about God now with Christianity.

I recommend the bible. The Topical Bible has really helped me answer questions when I didn’t have a pastor to ask. But like I said before don’t forsake the assembly. Even if you haven’t been there. All you have to do is watch online and comment these days. It’s good to be in community even though no community is perfect.

Novels Update…Plural

Not only have I pretty much locked up my novel. I have started four other novels. The only way to read all the novels is to get them. SO I will update each of them. I keep talking about it and not actually doing it.

I have a well developed story and four ideas. All different genres. Check out my novels page to see my ideas. If you steal the idea that’s fine. There generator novels. I just want to finish a novel without someone trying to get in there and delete it. 200ish words a day for however many novels I’m inspired for.

I want you to feel like you are a part of this novel. I am not posting exerts until I have a page 99. I’m not a professional at anything I do and I know it shows, but my brain just won’t cooperate with me and trying to get things done is pretty hard. I’m doing well by giving myself this blog to do. I will be sharing all the time and I think I might even make some art of my characters. Maybe anyway. I am ambitious, but stay in a tired dreamy state and usually do one thing and quit for the day because I’m exhausted easily physically. But anyway, I will be writing and writing and painting and drawing and sewing and things.

Disabled life. It’s a catch 22 sometimes. I have all this free time, but it’s because I am the sick. I got up an organized my entire room yesterday. I’m pretty proud of that. I hope you will buy my books when they are written.

May’s Theme: Thalassemia

I have Thalassemia Minor and the eighth will be World Thalassemia Day. I will be telling you everything I know about Thalassemia. Blood disorders suck and no one should have to go through them. The people with Alpha suffer far worse than me, but being constantly anemic with two anemias sucks too.

I hope you hug your West Asian/Meditteranean descent people.

Art Journaling

I found out expressive art therapy helps borderline and I have been getting ready for it. I made an art journal cover today. Going to start doing it all the time. I need to do it, because therapy tends to go toward me being an unhealable psycho or at least the times I talked about my trauma. I tend to get a big NOPE when I talk about my suicide attempt. Maybe Florida was just a bad state for therapy.

I will make some art about all of the things. I know I bring it up a lot, but that was a very traumatizing experience. I wanted to die and people agreed with me that is enough to mess anyone up. I just can’t believe I lived. I need to work it out and I will soon if I get a call, but I just need to vent about how sometimes when you are traumatized people isolate you. Like you are so terrible of a person to have had that terrible thing happen to you. I also have joy a lot of the time when I’m not focused on it and that scares people because I should be messed up. I don’t have to identify with trauma all the time. I can be happy in the midst of depression. It happens.

I think telling everyone about this is a way to show that I feel and am human too. I too get hurt, sad, depressed, happy, joyful, angry. I get dark as much as I’m sunshine. Why is it not ok to feel anymore? Why are we so disconnected from feeling? Even though we feel a lot and are easily offended, too. Or at least I see that. I really hope therapy goes well. I hope therapy is actually healing and not telling me I’m still a freak.

Agape: Charity

Agape is a love that God gives to us. It is unconditional. I used to think I had never experienced this love, but the times that I had become in need always proved this love. Someone would show up out of nowhere saving the day. I think it was mainly because my mom prayed.

I have been so self-centered lately that it’s been hard to give this love. But I think it’s one of the best loves and it’s very unifying. Giving is a very powerful love. Make sure that when you do it, you’re not just trying to look like you have this love. That is false and very evident. Give cause you want to. The Bible likes a cheerful giver. I guess God does too.

God’s love is unconditional. And I find that it shows up when you need it the most.

How have you experienced Agape?

Feel the Crazy!

I have so much going on with my insurance right now and I’m about to feel the crazy. My medication is not being covered. I worked out only half of my dose. I’m about to have a really hard time. Hopefully the half of a dose will last until it’s covered again. I have three days of full dose if it’s finally processed today. AHHH!

I hate that I need medicine to be mentally functional. I need this upcoming therapy for the new diagnosis. I have been traumatized so much that it is eating away at my mind. I’d ask for prayer, but those circles think I’m wicked.

Prayer for me if you do pray. I need pictures of animals and babies who are cute. I need rainbows and butterflies and the wayfaring flowers outside. I’m not ok.