I was today years old when I found out I had borderline personality disorder on top of schizoaffective disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and depression. Yeah, that’s a lot. But I thought my depression was just depression. Basically, I feel so much that I can’t really stop feelings. I am super relational and it’s so hard for me to be alone.
I fell in love once and traveled cross country with only $500 to my name to tell a guy I was in love with him. I messed it up and went to his job 5 days in a row. Well, he got an order of protection on me for just coming and saying I loved him. I just thought I was a romantic, I had no idea that was a disorder. I was unmedicated and really became very lonely. Working my butt off and living with people I didn’t know. I ended up trying to commit suicide because of everything honestly. I was harmed there in the hospital for doing so by some strangers. It was horrifying and I was tortured and raped. That made me feel like the world was out to get me. This is the dangerous cycle that is caused by not getting help.
So later, I’ve been through therapy four or five times. Never really got to this, but I have been hearing voices and feeling SUPER deeply and that is BPD and not just schizo. I have to have therapy because I have to work through these difficult emotions. I thought everyone had dropped me and it seemed like it’s really hard to have interaction that I love and crave so much. I love being around people, but bad relationships and habits later here I am writing a blog that might get me some trouble. I really needed to hear that I had this though, because now I know why I feel so darn hard.
I hope that I don’t get further isolated from telling the truth. But it has already happened. I hope that I can find the right help for being so weird.